Give Yourself A Break

No one, and I mean no one, is harder on me than I am. I think it's like that with everyone. Well, maybe not men...but all women. We see flaws that no one else sees. We critique and we obsess over every tiny imperfection. Things that no one would ever notice. And we do it daily. Hell, I do it by the minute.

Then there are times when I think to myself that I must have a skewed perception of myself. Like this morning I left the house thinking I looked fine. I was dropping off the kids are school then going to yoga/pilates. No need for makeup or hair fixing - I'm going to sweat my ass off anyway since they jack the heater up to 147 degrees and it feels like exercising on the sun. But that's neither here nor there. So I get to class and there's not nearly as many people there as usual. I usually avoid the mirror like the plague, but they get you because the only spots not in front of the mirror are directly in front of the heater. So that begs the question.....do I want to watch my fat ass try to be bendy or do I want to sweat worse than I am already sweating? Today I figured, what the hell? I'll get in front of the mirror. It'll help me with my form! It'll help me focus! Maybe I'll even be impressed with how well I'm doing! All of those thoughts were wrong. So.Very.Wrong.

I think I look okay in most pictures I see of myself. Except maybe the ones my mom takes at Thanksgiving where I have my mouth full of food open. Or the ones where I don't know I am being photographed and haven't had the opportunity to hide behind a kid or halfway behind the hubs. But for the most part, I've orchestrated ways over the years to make it so that I'm not aghast at photos of myself. Here's a little tip: there's no one to hide behind at yoga when you're in front of the mirror trying to balance on one locked leg with the other held behind you while leaning forward. It's not pretty. I didn't notice my form. All I noticed was that even after losing eight pounds I still have a long way to go. I thought to myself, "Do I really look like that? Could there be something wrong with this mirror? Everyone else looks in the mirror like they do when I just look at them in real life....OMG DO I LOOK LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE??" I look in the mirror at home every day and I'm not usually entirely disgusted like this. Is there something wrong (in a good way) with my mirror at home?? What.The.Eff.

Honestly, it was hard to get through class. I did, but I was completely distracted at how bad I looked.

I brushed it off for the most part. All I can do is what I'm doing - eating right and exercising. And what I'm doing is working, if slowly. They say "you didn't gain it overnight, you won't lose it overnight". But seriously it feels like I DID gain it overnight. I know it was a hell of a lot more pleasurable gaining it than trying to lose it. I figured I'd treat myself to a calorie free pedicure. During which I had to stop the poor girl and dry my feet three times to go pee since I'm drinking enough water every day for Shamu to live within me.

Then an amazing thing happened....

In a casual conversation about Valentine's Day and how (according to the technician) American men are so much more romantic than Asian men, she asked me how long I'd been married. I told her it would be nine years in May and she gasped! "How old were you when you go married?!," she said in horror. Ummmm 23....She was appalled. She said she thought I was around 25. I'm sitting here with no makeup on and this bitch thinks I'm 25?!?! I wanted to abandon my homosexuality and make this tiny Asian my wife. No kidding. Made my whole damn day.

Even after the yoga-mirror fiasco I managed to feel pretty good. I mean she said I looked seven years younger than I actually am. I was still a little preoccupied with the mirror. (For the record, I will be tucked safely in front of the heater - aka the fiery depths of hell- next time I go to yoga.) Then, when I went to get the twins from school their teacher told me I looked like I'd recently dropped some weight. And here I thought because of the way I gain/lose (all over instead of in one spot) that it wasn't noticeable!!!

My point is this: no one will ever look at you the way you look at you. Your kids just see mom. Your husband probably just sees boobs. Your parents see their child. Strangers see something else entirely. But you see the cow doing yoga. Or the wrinkles around your eyes. Or the cellulite. Or the lack of makeup. Or the donut you just ate. Well, not me. I haven't eaten a donut in for-eva. Damn I want a donut.

Give yourself a break.