So it's been a while...

I thought 2011 would be the “year of the blog” for me. I was wrong. I started off the year in the hospital and spent the rest of it being alternately bored and so busy I didn’t have time to write. Excuses, excuses, I know. I also was without a computer for a while, then without internet. Lord knows what I would have said if I’d tried to write an entry using only my iPhone and its dreaded auto-correct feature (though I must say, as much as people bitch about auto-correct, those of us who don’t type on a computer every day are crippled using only a regular keyboard).  

In any event, 2012 is only a few days away – as is my 29: round two birthday – so I’m going to start up again. It’s looking like there is to be some good TV smut coming on in the next month including The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, and MTV’s Battle of the Exes. This means that when I start to think I have nothing to bitch, I mean write, about I can always turn to reality TV.

In the meantime, let’s elaborate on a recent Facebook post of mine: “Just a gentle reminder, girls: if it's cold enough for knee-high furry boots, chances are it’s too cold for a tank top and daisy dukes.”

Where do I even begin? Mall of Louisiana was crawling with these girls Monday. I was by myself and not being slowed by husband or kids so luckily I think I was able to walk fast enough past them to not catch any communicable diseases. (Fingers crossed!) It’s disgusting. I’m not a great judge of age (clearly I haven’t even come to terms with my own upcoming trek into my 30’s) but I swear these girls looked young enough to not even be allowed to roam the mall alone. The mom in me wants to shout “Where are your parents?!” and the snarky bitch in me wants to shout “You look like a skank and your boyfriend has acne!”. I shouted neither of which, but having two daughters, it did give me pause and I started to think of things I need to be sure to document for them and share with them as they get older – a handbook, if you will.

Tina Fey wrote a poem for her daughter than covers a lot of this, but I’d like to elaborate and talk about some points related to outward appearances. We’d all like to believe that one doesn’t judge a book by its cover, but come on people – given the choice between Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook featuring its original cover and the one with a picture of Ryan Gosling in the rain you know which one I’m grabbing (pun tooootally intended). So here it goes for my two little girls:

1.       Easy on the eyeliner, honey, you look like Marilyn Manson

Most little girls learn to apply makeup from their mothers and most of us mothers are classy enough to teach the premise of “less is more”. Some children – not so lucky. So let’s make it clear to our daughters, in writing, that a natural look is almost always best and that as your mother, I will not allow you to leave the house looking like The Crow. In those cases where a young girl has a face that’s not so easy on the eyes (don’t act all offended! You know this sometimes happens – it’s just like American Idol – telling your child they can sing like an angel doesn’t mean they can and will only cause them to make a fool of themselves) show them the magic of cleavage and call it a day.

2.       Pedicures are an imperative part of summer

No matter how cute those sandals are, your crusty heels hanging off the back of them are not. Get a pedicure. Yes, you changed the chipped polish, but that does not a pedicure make. Not everyone can afford a trip to the salon bi-weekly, but that’s no excuse.  Go to the drug store and get a pumice stone and a file and get crackin’. Hell, get your bestie to stand there and talk Vietnamese while you file away for the full spa experience.

3.       Dress for the season AND the weather

It is possible in some climates (like here in south Louisiana) that the temperature may not always be indicative of the season. I am a firm believer that you should dress for the season first and the temperature second. I know it’s supposed to be in the 70’s this weekend, so put on some lightweight slacks or jeans and a ¾ sleeve knit top and be done with it. This is not an excuse to drag out that tank top. The damn groundhog hasn’t even stuck his mangy head out of the ground yet – put your flip flops away! You don’t have to bundle up and you can be comfortable without looking like a spring break Girls Gone Wild participant. And like I said before: if it’s cold enough for furry boots, it’s too cold for a camisole and shorts. (For the record, Monday it was fah-reezing and rainy so those skanks must have been miserable.) Use common sense when dressing yourself and may you be blessed with a mother or father who isn’t going to allow you to walk out of the house dressed like an embarrassment to your family.

4.       Don’t go overboard for Halloween until you are at least in college and no longer under my roof

I know, I know, Halloween is the one day a year we can all dress like sluts and get away with it. Wait until you are in college at least, like I did. And moms: this rule also applies to you! Are you in college? Nope?  Then stop it. Do not dress up like slutty Snow White/Mafia Chick/Police Woman/Cheerleader/Devil to take your kids trick-or-treating. You peaked in high school, honey, and you’re embarrassing your children and husband. If it’s a rare night where you’ve got a sitter and want to go get drunk, knock yourself out. Who am I to judge? But just don’t do it in front of the neighborhood association’s landscape design committee….

5.       It can’t be easy to walk with that Backstreet Boy attached to your hip

I remember high school when all the girls thought he was “the one” and we all went on “dates” to the mall or movies or bowling. But so help me God when I am trying to push a fucking double stroller through the mall on a Wednesday morning with three crying children and you can’t go faster than a snail’s pace in front of me plus you’re blocking the entire aisle because you can’t bear to have even one part of your body not touching his, I will run you down. I mean it. This stroller weighs more than teenage dream with the Beiber hairdo over there and it is hard to stop. Don’t turn around and make that annoyed face at my kid for ruining the perfect mood in JC Penney for you and lover boy strolling through – keep up the public displays of affection and that’s going to be you in about 9 months “Ashton” or whatever other popular name your mom gave you in 1999.

So those are the top five for now. Feel free to weigh in with your own rules in the common (all ten of my followers haha!). I’m going to make an attempt to write a blog post about once a week if possible…hopefully 2012 really is the year. Maybe I’ll get more followers. Maybe not. This makes me feel less stressed to vent my annoyances into the blogosphere even if no one is really listening.

There are lots of maybes for 2012 – maybe I’ll lose weight (finally), maybe I’ll just have another brownie, maybe I’ll finally sell my house, maybe I’ll finally do that half-marathon, maybe I’ll stop hiding behind my kids in pictures. But one thing is for certain: I’ll never stop being snarky.

And one final thing to all those guys who responded to my Facebook post with appreciation for the scantily clad underage girls: May you one day hear these five magic words – “Congratulations, Dad! It’s a Girl!”

My Thoughts on The Bachelor

A little history on how this got started: A few years ago my friend Mark and I would send emails to each other every Tuesday morning after the Monday night episodes of the Bachelor or Bachelorette to rehash the events. This evolved into me writing a lengthy summary in email form of the episode for Mark's entertainment (which I don't mind), then me sending the email and mark forwarding it to several other "followers" and now posting a blog entry to entertain the masses. Since I have gotten two texts today from Mark asking me where my recap is, I suppose I have no choice but to continue my weekly summary/opinion of the Bachelor episodes. Kicking off 2011, here it goes.

Well it’s “Bachelor” time again. I’m not sure which I like more – the catty, hair-pulling, bitchiness of the 30 women vying for the Bachelor or the testosterone-fueled pissing match of the guys trying to impress the Bachelorette. In any event, it’s Bachelor time and this year we have Brad “I’m a Changed Man” Womack to entertain us. 

Did we really need Brad’s therapist to make an appearance and vouch for the improvements he’s made? Is a guy who has spent “three years in intensive therapy” really much of a catch?? I’m not sure I would be interested in trying to snag a guy who has that kind of baggage, but given some of the women going after him I’m thinking they can get a group rate on “intensive therapy”….

Mark has apparently rubbed off on me because last night when the first limo pulled up I could not stop the words “Bring on the skanks!” from escaping my mouth.

Some notables from the first episode (I’m still fuzzy on names as there are still so many women so I’ll do my best):

• The first girl to step out who slapped Brad (she wasn’t a blonde so that narrows it down a bit): I guess her plan worked – he remembered her enough to give her a rose. She made the round 1 cut and maybe Brad likes it a little rough – who knows, but that was a bit of a ballsy move. Sadly, I remember exactly nothing else about her. Name? Occupation? She had on a green dress that wasn’t flattering to her shape. That’s all I got.
• Melissa the “Waitress”: This is the one who literally ran from the limo and had to tell Brad to catch her since he didn’t catch on to what she was trying to do. Am I wrong for thinking that it would have been fall-off-the-couch hilarious if she had jumped and fallen? Or knocked him down? Sadly she isn’t much to look at from the neck up even in the abc photo-shoot pic where they make almost anyone look fantastic (check out her bio on abc.com). By the way, “waitress” is in quotes because it’s likely a term used loosely for the purpose of listing your occupation for abc. She won’t last. It also doesn’t help that she’s 32 which is equivalent to like 65 years old on this show.
• Michelle: on fire. She’s smoking hot. But mark my words – she will be the pot-stirrer in the house. And she will NOT deal very well with sharing Brad. She will probably be around a while. Interesting that she has a kid. She’s 30, which is old for the show, but she will fare well. I don’t typically make a habit of looking at their bios on the web, but for the first show I had trouble remembering names so I took a peek. Scary. Michelle’s bio has the question: If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring 3 things, what would you bring? One of her answers: “Tweezers - I have hair that grows out of a mole on my face that totally bugs me!” I don’t care how hot you are, that’s gross.

• Emily: I’m not going to touch this one. The chick’s fiancé died in a plane crash and she finds out she’s pregnant with his child right after? If anyone says anything bad about her they are just heartless. I have a feeling that Brad’s going to like her a lot. Kudos to her for not spilling her sob story to Brad on the first night. Now we know she really got a rose and not just a pity rose.
• Ashley S.: aka 1^st Impression Rose. I called this before it even happened. I told Ken that the best way to get the FIR was to just give poor old Brad a break and not ask him about last season. Was I right, or was I right? He probably didn’t even remember her name just that she was the only one who didn’t grill him about his prior season. “Um, yeah, her in the sparkly dress who didn’t ask me about my other season.” Given her story about her dad dying I think we may end up seeing a few rainbows this season as well (shout out to Chris L from Ali’s season!).

There were a few other interesting contestants: the manscaper (maybe it’s just me, but if I spent all day looking at and removing hair from guys’ balls, balls would be the last thing I would want to see when I got home), the Rockette with the ridiculous name “Keltie” – it’s like Tenley redux, and the funeral home director (enough said) and the overly enthusiastic dentist. All in all, more cute ones than uglies and enough cattiness to take us through the season with more than enough entertainment.