More commentary on the trainwreck that is this season’s The Bachelor:
I failed to blog last week, but really there was only one thing to say. The star of the show and the only one in my opinion who deserved a rose was Sarah’s dog. How effing cute was that thing?! Sean would have been smart to just end it there – no drama at least.
Which leads to this week. DRAMA!
First of all, can I just say that if I was a contestant, and having watched all the previous seasons was ready to be whisked away to a beautiful tropical locale only to find out we were headed to Montana I think I would have handed in my rose and hit the road. That’s messed up. Montana? Really Sean? I get that you are trying to weed out those who don’t have similar outdoorsy interests, but Jesus what happened to a little wine & dine? I don’t want to hike up/repell down a mountain to earn a dinner I will not be able to even eat because I can’t stuff it in my mouth with the cameras around (I’m convinced that’s why we never see any of them actually eat anything on the dates). Then they leave Montana for Canada. But that was Tuesday’s episode and I’m getting ahead of myself.
So he chooses Lindsey for a one on one date and they do this picnic on the mountainside thing. I refuse to eat outside but then again they don’t actually eat. Or talk. Or really do anything except make out. We find out Lindsey was an army brat. Then there’s more kissing. Not much else.
A side note on Sean’s kissing style: the man has no tongue foreplay. He goes straight in for the kill EVERY TIME. I am so tired of looking at the side of Sean’s toungue. What happened to a little slower, softer kissing before shoving your tongue down her throat?
Then there’s the group date competition which turns out not to be a competition at all because the losers also get invited to the nighttime portion of the date. And Tierra of course stalks her way over there as well. I don’t get how this isn’t a red flag for Sean. The bitch obviously can’t follow directions. It’s clear you were not invited to this date! Can Sean not see a future where he is married to this psycho and gives her simple instructions like “Stay in the car while I change this flat on the side of the highway” and she sneaks up behind him with a tire iron??
He gives the group date rose to Daniella. Who is that, you ask? I call her Rooty Tooty because of her desperate need of a hairdresser to fix those roots! What trailer park did abc pluck this one from? I didn’t see a connection, I think he just felt sorry for her (Lord knows Sean loves a damsel in distress).
The two on one date was with Tierra and Jackie, who I personally felt was one of the prettiest girls. Does he choose the nice demure girl who he can safely take out in public? No. Of course not. He picks psycho ass. I was really wishing that Robyn would lose her composure and go buck wild on Tierra at the rose ceremony, but no dice.
He ends up sending Robyn home, so apparently Sean doesn’t like the chocolate after all. (Her words, not mine!)
Tuesday night’s episode was dramatic as well (two Bachelor episodes in two nights!?!? Squee!!!).
Catherine gets a one on one. I am really liking her. She actually has half a brain. And Sean should really like her because any woman who likes you enough to freeze her ass off on top of a fricking mountain is a keeper. When he drove up in the snow bus I would have promptly said “Where the hell is my limo/helicopter/ferrari/other acceptable mode of date transportation?” They literally had ice growing on their faces. Date fail. Then you’d think there would be a hot tub/indoor venue for the second half. Nope. Ice castle. Eff that. Keep your rose because lord knows if this is the sort of future I can expect with you I’m out.
Sean once again picks a stupid date. What also baffles me is how he keeps picking one-arm Sarah for the most physically strenuous dates. Roller derby? Sawing a log in half? Canoe rowing? Seriously dude, she only has one arm (in case you didn’t hear her say it 487 times or notice the stump the producers keep zooming in on). Give the girl a break!! You take able-bodied Lindsey for a stress free picnic and you make poor Sarah row across a lake? I don’t get the logic. I’ll give it to her, ol’ girl held her own and didn’t back down from any of it. I think I would have waved my half-arm in the air and said “Hellooooo Sean! I only have one arm! You think we can NOT do an olympic sport this date??” Then after all her effort he drops her ass before they even make it to the rose ceremony. And I don’t care what you say about doing her a favor by not keeping her there two extra days, that’s a slap in the face to any woman that they apparently were so damn bad you couldn’t even follow protocol.
Tierra of course fakes illness. Again, red flags all over the place. I’ve never seen someone put on an oxygen tube as fast as she did when she heard him coming. And of course she is well enough to go for the date night. If only we would be lucky enough for her to get a real injury or illness. That dent in her forehead bothers the hell out of me, too. Makes me wonder who was the lucky guy or gal who got to put it there. Maybe it’s harsh, but she really is crazy. And a master manipulator. Props for that. Not that Sean isn’t an easy mark.
Second one on one with Desiree. I’m a little tired of the Katie Holmes face she makes. The date was boring. She’s pretty boring. Nothing much to say.
Selma risks being honor-killed and kisses Sean on TV. Then he dumps her. Kind of funny. Though I don’t get the logic: it’s not okay for you to kiss him on tv, even a chaste one like what they had, but it apparently is okay for you to wear a dress so low that I can practically see your areolas?
AshLee has some sort of hang up about not having control so she lets Sean blindfold her and boo hoos the entire time. News flash, Sean: this speaks to a lifetime of vanilla sex for you if you end up with poor sad orphan AshLee.
That’s all I have to say for now! Since it was a special request that I write this, I have skipped a nice hot bath in favor of pleasing my hoardes of loyal followers. All nine of you.
Was really sad to see Selma go prior to the “Fairy Tale” date where ABC drops her into a Princess Jasmine outfit – Yum! Bitch lost all honor with her family and then gets kicked to the curb. Hit it N Quit it, Sean!
ReplyDeleteI’m sorta on the same page with you on Dez. She’s the “take home to Mom” kind. You know, the safe girl you bring to the company holiday party because she’s not a diva (won’t start drama), she knows how to shut up and let men be men (like the good ol days), and she’s just so darling cute that all your buddies wives will be enamored. I’m still leery of how she would be in the sack which brings me to Lindsay…
Based on her make-out and boozing skills, she is flat out the best lay in the group. Just a dirty, dirty shag. Nothing is out of bounds for her. Anytime, anywhere. All systems are GO. She can’t go one conversation without making out. Step 1: Admit you have a whore problem
Tiarra – LOVE her, but she needs to mix in a Thighmaster if she’s going to keep doing swimsuit dates with those other twiggy bitches. It’s OK if you have high mass potential, but America doesn’t need to see it so clearly. Sometimes it’s better to fit in, sweetie. Still think she’s overall the best package. I don’t care if she’s a bitch to the skanks, she does what it takes to get job done to make her man happy. That’s all WE care about at the end of the day. Take care of ME.
I go back and forth on AshLee. Depending on the camera angle, I waffle on whether she’s a butter-face or not. Rocking body but that’s about it. Voice is annoying. Everything above the shoulders is average maybe below average considering the competition. Remember, it’s all relative to the girls around you.
Stubby had to go. There was nothing there – her lack of tone inflection was killing me and she had a Joker smile. “Why does this always happen to me?” – you mean, you go on reality dating shows with regular frequency and get rejected????