Bachelor Comments - Week of 2/11

Yet another week has passed in Bachelor-land. And all the contestants are giving thanks and praise that finally, FINALLY the big bad evil Tierra is gone. Sent packing to take the long mini-van ride home. (Am I the only one who sees the irony that they all arrive in limos and exit in taxis or mini-van rentals?)

As upset as I was not to see the shock on her face when her name was not called at the rose ceremony, it had to be this way. Any more time and she would have managed to further manipulate Sean into keeping her crazy ass another week. While she does have skills in the manipulation department, the credit cannot be all hers because I do think that Sean may be a level one beginner-manipulator target.

Her antics were entertaining to say the least and while I spent the better part of the season laughing at her, I didn’t loathe her with all my might like most. Until last night. That tirade about how 32 is virtually ancient got her straight to the top of my shit list. News flash: 32 is NOT old. And that 32 year old you’re bashing has a body (be it with the help of a skilled surgeon) that makes yours look like something we’d find shamefully shoving Krispy Kremes in your face while you sit in your car listening to Vanessa Hudgens or whatever Disney alumni who’s most recently released an album. You are a child and because of that, the “ancient” 32 year old you bashed bested you. She got your ass good. And she got your man. All without faking illness, injury, or making big “ugly cry” on national television. She was poised and graceful and even waited until the cameras were not on her to say “YESSSSSS!” when she realized your ass was gone. Guess you won’t get to be “wit” Sean after all (please learn to speak English correctly).

Yet we expect nothing less from a woman who has grown up with parents telling her not to let other women “take her sparkle away”. That’s the problem with society today – parents make their kids feel like they are superior to other kids. But that’s another rant we don’t have time for today, so sparkle on Tierra. Sparkle on.

That was the main event of last night’s episode, obviously. Only a few other notables:

-          HUGE shock that Catherine didn’t get the rose on the group date after her sad story about her dad. I guess the make-out queen strikes again. Don’t bet on her going home before the fantasy-suite cards come. Sean knows a sure thing when he sees it.

-          Des managed to commandeer Sean most of the date. Not surprising that it was in a passive aggressive way. Scenes from next week that show her “thug life” wannabe brother coming at Sean look interesting. Can’t wait to see how she handles that. Demure Katie Holmes smiles all around!

-          Poor poor Lesley. You were hot, but awkward. And shame on you, abc producers for letting her be a hot mess in the farewell interviews. Ol’ girl’s bra was hanging out (what she wears a bra for I have no idea because if I had boobs like that…) and she was too lost in her sorrow to notice. Be good people next time and give her the heads up – it’s not like she was the villain like you-know-who.

-          Pinchy face aka “The Cougar” must have had her ass clenched so tight waiting for her name to be called. Way to save her for last, Sean.

-          And last but not least, group date where Sean comes in and wakes me from a dead sleep giving me only 30 minutes to get ready to leave would NOT have gone over well. Even if I’m downing Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt every day, my bowels would need more time to work up a poop. So instead of watching the sunset, I’d have been popping a squat behind the Jeep. Not cool, Sean.

That’s that, folks. Shout out to Marky – without whom I would think these thoughts and never actually take the time to share J

My Comments on The Bachelor - Week of February 4th

More commentary on the trainwreck that is this season’s The Bachelor:

I failed to blog last week, but really there was only one thing to say. The star of the show and the only one in my opinion who deserved a rose was Sarah’s dog. How effing cute was that thing?! Sean would have been smart to just end it there – no drama at least.

Which leads to this week. DRAMA!

First of all, can I just say that if I was a contestant, and having watched all the previous seasons was ready to be whisked away to a beautiful tropical locale only to find out we were headed to Montana I think I would have handed in my rose and hit the road. That’s messed up. Montana? Really Sean? I get that you are trying to weed out those who don’t have similar outdoorsy interests, but Jesus what happened to a little wine & dine? I don’t want to hike up/repell down a mountain to earn a dinner I will not be able to even eat because I can’t stuff it in my mouth with the cameras around (I’m convinced that’s why we never see any of them actually eat anything on the dates). Then they leave Montana for Canada. But that was Tuesday’s episode and I’m getting ahead of myself.

So he chooses Lindsey for a one on one date and they do this picnic on the mountainside thing. I refuse to eat outside but then again they don’t actually eat. Or talk. Or really do anything except make out. We find out Lindsey was an army brat. Then there’s more kissing. Not much else.

A side note on Sean’s kissing style: the man has no tongue foreplay. He goes straight in for the kill EVERY TIME. I am so tired of looking at the side of Sean’s toungue. What happened to a little slower, softer kissing before shoving your tongue down her throat?

Then there’s the group date competition which turns out not to be a competition at all because the losers also get invited to the nighttime portion of the date. And Tierra of course stalks her way over there as well. I don’t get how this isn’t a red flag for Sean. The bitch obviously can’t follow directions. It’s clear you were not invited to this date! Can Sean not see a future where he is married to this psycho and gives her simple instructions like “Stay in the car while I change this flat on the side of the highway” and she sneaks up behind him with a tire iron??

He gives the group date rose to Daniella. Who is that, you ask? I call her Rooty Tooty because of her desperate need of a hairdresser to fix those roots! What trailer park did abc pluck this one from? I didn’t see a connection, I think he just felt sorry for her (Lord knows Sean loves a damsel in distress).

The two on one date was with Tierra and Jackie, who I personally felt was one of the prettiest girls. Does he choose the nice demure girl who he can safely take out in public? No. Of course not. He picks psycho ass. I was really wishing that Robyn would lose her composure and go buck wild on Tierra at the rose ceremony, but no dice.

He ends up sending Robyn home, so apparently Sean doesn’t like the chocolate after all. (Her words, not mine!)

Tuesday night’s episode was dramatic as well (two Bachelor episodes in two nights!?!? Squee!!!).  

Catherine gets a one on one. I am really liking her. She actually has half a brain. And Sean should really like her because any woman who likes you enough to freeze her ass off on top of a fricking mountain is a keeper. When he drove up in the snow bus I would have promptly said “Where the hell is my limo/helicopter/ferrari/other acceptable mode of date transportation?” They literally had ice growing on their faces. Date fail. Then you’d think there would be a hot tub/indoor venue for the second half. Nope. Ice castle. Eff that. Keep your rose because lord knows if this is the sort of future I can expect with you I’m out.

Sean once again picks a stupid date. What also baffles me is how he keeps picking one-arm Sarah for the most physically strenuous dates. Roller derby? Sawing a log in half? Canoe rowing? Seriously dude, she only has one arm (in case you didn’t hear her say it 487 times or notice the stump the producers keep zooming in on). Give the girl a break!! You take able-bodied Lindsey for a stress free picnic and you make poor Sarah row across a lake? I don’t get the logic. I’ll give it to her, ol’ girl held her own and didn’t back down from any of it. I think I would have waved my half-arm in the air and said “Hellooooo Sean! I only have one arm! You think we can NOT do an olympic sport this date??” Then after all her effort he drops her ass before they even make it to the rose ceremony. And I don’t care what you say about doing her a favor by not keeping her there two extra days, that’s a slap in the face to any woman that they apparently were so damn bad you couldn’t even follow protocol.

Tierra of course fakes illness. Again, red flags all over the place. I’ve never seen someone put on an oxygen tube as fast as she did when she heard him coming. And of course she is well enough to go for the date night. If only we would be lucky enough for her to get a real injury or illness. That dent in her forehead bothers the hell out of me, too. Makes me wonder who was the lucky guy or gal who got to put it there. Maybe it’s harsh, but she really is crazy. And a master manipulator. Props for that. Not that Sean isn’t an easy mark.

Second one on one with Desiree. I’m a little tired of the Katie Holmes face she makes. The date was boring. She’s pretty boring. Nothing much to say.

Selma risks being honor-killed and kisses Sean on TV. Then he dumps her. Kind of funny. Though I don’t get the logic: it’s not okay for you to kiss him on tv, even a chaste one like what they had, but it apparently is okay for you to wear a dress so low that I can practically see your areolas?

AshLee has some sort of hang up about not having control so she lets Sean blindfold her and boo hoos the entire time. News flash, Sean: this speaks to a lifetime of vanilla sex for you if you end up with poor sad orphan AshLee.

That’s all I have to say for now! Since it was a special request that I write this, I have skipped a nice hot bath in favor of pleasing my hoardes of loyal followers. All nine of you.

The Bachelor Episode 2 - My thoughts

So I’ve been told that my sharp wit and stunning sense of humor are as such that I should write a blog featuring my thoughts on The Bachelor. (Well, maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea). I am nothing if not a people-pleaser (HAHA!) so I shall acquiesce.

 A few thoughts from last week before we start:

He kept the chick in the wedding dress??!!?? Really!? That had crazy written all over it with a permanent marker!

Thankfully he had the sense to send home the one who walked up singing a country song she wrote about him. You aren’t sure which one I meant? Let me narrow it down: she was orange from self tanner. Oh, wait, that won’t narrow it down at all….she wore waaaay too much makeup. Oh, wait, that doesn’t help either. Screw it. Her name was Kelly. Look her up online.

I will be very afraid to see what Paige the Jumbotron Operator who appeared on Bachelor Pad might put on her Jumbotron after as broken as she was during the rose ceremony….

On to this week:

Date 1 – Sarah

Sarah is the girl with one arm. Don’t gasp at me, it’s true. And I figure since she said it 4,357 times throughout the course of the show, it’s okay for me to say it now. Had I taken a shot for every time she brought up the fact that she only has one arm or every time the cameras guy zoomed in on the stump (that was a little weird if you ask me, normally they only zoom in on boobs) I’d have been rushed to the ER with alcohol poisoning.  The date seemed to go well. Then again, he knows he better keep her at least 3 or 4 episodes lest he be the insensitive asshole who didn’t give the one-armed girl a shot at “true love”….

 Group Date

The premise of the date was a stupid one (as it usually is). A photo shoot for the cover of a Harlequin Romance book… does anyone still read that garbage? But of course these things are designed to cause unrest within the group and of course it did. I’m liking the Robyn chick for her frankness talking to the make-up artist about trashy hoes (LOL!). Of course Tierra is a nut job in the worst way. The second they showed her clip last week I looked over at my husband and said “You see her? That one’s crazy. Look at her eyes. Crazy eyes.” And I’m usually right about crazy eyes. Of course the “model” (which is obviously aterm used very loosely in Bachelor world since old girl looks like a man in drag sometimes) wins the contest. It’s an interesting victory to be the person who looks best on a slutty, poorly-written romance “novel” (clearly another loosely-used term). One who wasn’t crazy before, but I think has become a little hardened from the rigors of Bachelor-hopping is Kacie B. Sweet demure little Kacie showed up on night one with her goods on display and ready to rock Sean’s world. And she hasn’t backed down from being a bit harsh with the girls. She’s obviously a huge fan of being the “mentor” of the group, having been dumped on national TV once before (what a thing to be a pro at…). She gets the rose despite the fact that Sean looked about as interested in her as reading a Harlequin Romance novel (see what I did there?). Tierra was furious of course.

Date 3 – Des

Isn’t she so cutesy in a Katie Holmes-pre-Tom Cruise sort of way? The date was even dumber than the first two what with the mostly failed practical joke that wasn’t even funny. Clearly she and Sean have a lot in common with their picture-perfect familial backgrounds. Gag. It was boring so I don’t have too much to say about it.

Rose Ceremony –

Amanda apparently decided to turn on the petulant child façade. This rubbed the girls all wrong but oblivious Sean never notices (or does notice and gives her a rose anyway). Wedding Dress girl apologizes for her erratic behavior from the first night and says the “wine was flowing” which translates into “I can’t hold my liquor and if I can’t be trusted not to embarrass myself and my family on national TV, imagine what a show I’ll put on as your wife at your company Christmas parties!”. Robyn straight up asked him if he likes black girls and Sean tells the world that his last girlfriend was black (I’ll admit that I totally didn’t see that one coming). In the end there weren’t many big shockers as far as who received roses. The girl with two kids at home is going home without a daddy for them. No surprise there.

That’s all I’ve got for now!