My Thoughts on The Bachelor

A little history on how this got started: A few years ago my friend Mark and I would send emails to each other every Tuesday morning after the Monday night episodes of the Bachelor or Bachelorette to rehash the events. This evolved into me writing a lengthy summary in email form of the episode for Mark's entertainment (which I don't mind), then me sending the email and mark forwarding it to several other "followers" and now posting a blog entry to entertain the masses. Since I have gotten two texts today from Mark asking me where my recap is, I suppose I have no choice but to continue my weekly summary/opinion of the Bachelor episodes. Kicking off 2011, here it goes.

Well it’s “Bachelor” time again. I’m not sure which I like more – the catty, hair-pulling, bitchiness of the 30 women vying for the Bachelor or the testosterone-fueled pissing match of the guys trying to impress the Bachelorette. In any event, it’s Bachelor time and this year we have Brad “I’m a Changed Man” Womack to entertain us. 

Did we really need Brad’s therapist to make an appearance and vouch for the improvements he’s made? Is a guy who has spent “three years in intensive therapy” really much of a catch?? I’m not sure I would be interested in trying to snag a guy who has that kind of baggage, but given some of the women going after him I’m thinking they can get a group rate on “intensive therapy”….

Mark has apparently rubbed off on me because last night when the first limo pulled up I could not stop the words “Bring on the skanks!” from escaping my mouth.

Some notables from the first episode (I’m still fuzzy on names as there are still so many women so I’ll do my best):

• The first girl to step out who slapped Brad (she wasn’t a blonde so that narrows it down a bit): I guess her plan worked – he remembered her enough to give her a rose. She made the round 1 cut and maybe Brad likes it a little rough – who knows, but that was a bit of a ballsy move. Sadly, I remember exactly nothing else about her. Name? Occupation? She had on a green dress that wasn’t flattering to her shape. That’s all I got.
• Melissa the “Waitress”: This is the one who literally ran from the limo and had to tell Brad to catch her since he didn’t catch on to what she was trying to do. Am I wrong for thinking that it would have been fall-off-the-couch hilarious if she had jumped and fallen? Or knocked him down? Sadly she isn’t much to look at from the neck up even in the abc photo-shoot pic where they make almost anyone look fantastic (check out her bio on abc.com). By the way, “waitress” is in quotes because it’s likely a term used loosely for the purpose of listing your occupation for abc. She won’t last. It also doesn’t help that she’s 32 which is equivalent to like 65 years old on this show.
• Michelle: on fire. She’s smoking hot. But mark my words – she will be the pot-stirrer in the house. And she will NOT deal very well with sharing Brad. She will probably be around a while. Interesting that she has a kid. She’s 30, which is old for the show, but she will fare well. I don’t typically make a habit of looking at their bios on the web, but for the first show I had trouble remembering names so I took a peek. Scary. Michelle’s bio has the question: If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring 3 things, what would you bring? One of her answers: “Tweezers - I have hair that grows out of a mole on my face that totally bugs me!” I don’t care how hot you are, that’s gross.

• Emily: I’m not going to touch this one. The chick’s fiancé died in a plane crash and she finds out she’s pregnant with his child right after? If anyone says anything bad about her they are just heartless. I have a feeling that Brad’s going to like her a lot. Kudos to her for not spilling her sob story to Brad on the first night. Now we know she really got a rose and not just a pity rose.
• Ashley S.: aka 1^st Impression Rose. I called this before it even happened. I told Ken that the best way to get the FIR was to just give poor old Brad a break and not ask him about last season. Was I right, or was I right? He probably didn’t even remember her name just that she was the only one who didn’t grill him about his prior season. “Um, yeah, her in the sparkly dress who didn’t ask me about my other season.” Given her story about her dad dying I think we may end up seeing a few rainbows this season as well (shout out to Chris L from Ali’s season!).

There were a few other interesting contestants: the manscaper (maybe it’s just me, but if I spent all day looking at and removing hair from guys’ balls, balls would be the last thing I would want to see when I got home), the Rockette with the ridiculous name “Keltie” – it’s like Tenley redux, and the funeral home director (enough said) and the overly enthusiastic dentist. All in all, more cute ones than uglies and enough cattiness to take us through the season with more than enough entertainment.