All my (size Large) dirty laundry...

Happy New Year! This year I’m going to do the New Year’s resolution thing – I usually don’t, or I say I am but don’t really change anything. This year it needs to happen…. for real. I need a way to be accountable, a way to stop making excuses, a way to make this happen. What better way than to air out all my (size Large) dirty laundry on the internet. 

I write because it’s therapeutic for me and honestly, I’m afraid my intelligence level will drop to that of my children if I don’t practice reading and writing since I’m no longer in career-mode. It’s hard for me to imagine that people actually read this garbage I’m writing, more so that it affects anyone in a real way. As of now, I don’t have a big following and most of you reading this found the link on Facebook and have known me for years (by the way, if you read regularly please click “follow” so I can keep track of how many people are even reading this). All the more reason to put this all down for everyone to see. 

There was (is?) a weight loss drug on the market called Alli that listed possible side effects including “anal leakage”. It’s my understanding that this would happen when you were taking the drug and consumed fatty foods. Well, I don’t know about you, but the fear of shitting myself is a pretty good motivator to stay on track. Many of us would be embarrassed for all our Facebook friends to know our real weight, dress size, etc. We all keep it private – hell, most women’s husbands don’t even know their weight – and carry it around like the little shameful secret it is. The point here, is that fear of embarrassment/exposure can be one hell of a motivator. So I’m going to expose myself (no need to shield your eyes – I don’t mean I am literally exposing myself) to the masses in the hopes it will keep me on track. I’m making myself accountable to all of you hoping that I will shed the extra pounds for once and for all. 

Those of you who have always known me know that I was a stick-figure growing up. I was skin and bones, ate whatever I wanted to, and never feared weight gain. Even in high school I would eat those nasty little pre-packaged microwave pizza things they sold in the mall with the gelatinous cheese and “pepperonis” made of God knows what. I was a size 2 or 4. No worries. I’ve always had hips and boobs, but always a tiny waist and no extra jiggle. The same was true through college. Even during the period when I was binge drinking 4 nights a week I was still a size 6 or 8. I wore string bikinis on spring break and complained that I was “fat”. I’d sell a kidney to be as fat now as I thought I was then. 

Prior to meeting my husband I switched to the Depo-Provera birth control injection and it was all downhill from there. I remained active and continued to eat the same things/portions I did before. Only my metabolism had come to a screeching halt and the pounds packed on. It happened gradually (as it always does) and I didn’t take note until I had packed on a good 30 pounds. Having been thin and never having to diet, I didn’t know where to start. I wish I had gotten things under control then – maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. 

We got engaged; I turned to diet pills to lose the weight for my wedding. It worked, but they were dangerous and I’m very fortunate I didn’t do irreversible damage in the process. I still look back and wish I had been my “normal” size for my wedding. I still feel like the dress I chose for the most important day of my life was chosen because it hid the most and was the most flattering on my new larger frame. I was down to a size 10 when I got married. I was probably back in a 12 before my 6-month anniversary.

Please know that I don’t blame the injections for the state I am in now. I got here all by myself – one donut at a time. I do feel like the weight gain would not have been so rapid and would have been easier to reverse without them. I also feel like I had a few more good years of effortless skinny in my early 20’s that I wasn’t able to enjoy!

 

Since then, I have had 6 pregnancies and given birth to 3 children. I can’t blame pregnancy for my situation any more than birth control injections. Oddly enough, my body likes being pregnant – I gain healthy amounts of weight and it all goes to the baby carrying area – I get thinner arms, legs, face, etc. I was also fortunate that I lost the “baby weight” quickly. Three weeks after having the twins I was 8 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight. If only I had grabbed hold of that momentum when it was there….instead I slowly ate my way back up. All the way up to the size I am now – 20 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant with the twins. 

Of course over the last few years there have been things that have thrown me off track – multiple miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy, appendectomy, gall bladder removal – but the bottom line is that I have a totally unhealthy relationship with food. Not just that I eat too much of it or the wrong things….oh no no, that would be too simple. I have a seriously screwed up psychological relationship with food. I’m like a battered wife who won’t leave the husband who beats her – that messed up. 

I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am stressed. I eat when I haven’t had enough sleep. I eat when I am celebrating. I eat to reward myself for doing something good. I eat the food on my plate, then the leftovers from my children’s plates. I eat appetizers, then a meal, then dessert. I never push away food because I am not hungry because I am ALWAYS hungry. Perhaps that’s a misnomer; I’m not always “hungry”, but I could always eat. Portion control does not exist in my world. I out-eat my husband most nights. It isn’t that the food I cook is necessarily that bad, but that I eat way too much of it. Don’t get me wrong, there are many ways I could cook and eat healthier but altogether if I ate normal amounts I could probably eat what I wanted. It doesn’t help that I am a picky eater and don’t like most fruits and veggies. I don’t eat fish either. I like meat. Red meat. And potatoes. And pasta. And butter. A lot of butter. 

I also expect instant results. I am the person who weighs themselves at the gym, runs one lap, then weighs again to see if it “worked”. I’m not stupid – I know that I gained it slow (supposedly, though it felt pretty instantaneous to me) and I will have to lose it slow. But that doesn’t stop the voice in my head that says “you’ve been starving yourself all day and it hasn’t gotten you anywhere…have a cookie.” I know you all must be thinking that I am incredibly self-aware for a fat girl. I know what my problem is. I know why it is. I know what I need to do to fix it. I just can’t manage to do what I need to do for long enough to make it work. I want a quick fix. I even asked the doctor (the one who told me I need to lose weight…skinny bitch) what the threshold weight for bariatric surgery is because I figure it would be easier to gain enough weight to qualify than to lose the weight I need to lose the old-fashioned way.

 

It’s embarrassing to be putting all this out there. I’m not going to tell my actual weight, but I will say that I need to lose somewhere between 40 and 60 pounds. Losing 60 would be great, but I know myself too well. I know that if I lost 60, I’d consider myself to have a 20 pound cushion and end up back in the old habit of overeating. If I lose 40 (44 to be exact) I will be where I need to be and just have to work to maintain it. 

So I’ve told you where I’ve been and I’ve told you where I’m going (rather, where I need to go).

Now here’s the plan – 

Exercise:

I’m signed up to run (and by “run”, I mean jog very very slowly, barely above a walking pace) a half-marathon on January 15^th. That’s in ten days (!!). I trained really well up until the beginning of December, then I sort of fell off the wagon between illnesses, holidays and the like. After the Reindeer Run December 3^rd I didn’t run at all until December 30^th. My tendinitis is causing me a great deal of pain so at this point the plan is to do some light cardio (elliptical) when I can between now and then, but for the most part to take it easy in the hopes that my tendons heal enough for me to wreck them again on the 15^th. The goal is to finish the race. I am well aware that even that may not happen. I read a blog today about a girl who at her largest (263 lbs) walked a half-marathon so I figure worst case scenario I can walk the dang thing and check it off my bucket list. I will still be putting my pretty little 13.1 sticker on my car and all you naysayers who think I don’t deserve it because I didn’t run the whole thing can go to hell. It’s still a major accomplishment, even if it isn’t the one I originally hoped for. There’s another one in March that I’m considering signing up for, but the fee is quite high so I’m not too sure yet. In any event, I’d like to keep my running up to the point that I can run 5K’s when they come up and the mood strikes. 

After the 15^th I will be back in the gym full time. I haven’t decided yet how I am going to manage it since my kids act like they are being murdered when I leave them in the nursery there and all those hard-core moms go to the gym and leave their kids in the nursery despite them having the bubonic plague (which my kids then catch). One way or another, I plan to exercise (cardio and weight training) at least 3-4 times a week. I really do enjoy working out; I just need to make the time again to do it. If I was as faithful to exercise as I am to, say, watching trashy crap on television I’d be on a runway somewhere. 

Food:

Ah, food. I love you, but this must end. No, we can’t still be friends. I need a clean break. I’ll still be jealous when I see you with other girls, but I know it will be for the best. She may be younger and thinner, but give her a few years and she’ll be chubby and ornery just like me.

Again, between now and the half I can’t do anything to drastic lest I pass out at mile 6 and have to be hospitalized. That doesn’t mean I am sticking with my bingeing ways. I’ve been watching my calorie intake – not counting per se, just being ultra conscious. I can proudly say that today so far I have only consumed 330 calories. I’ll be having grilled chicken and pasta for dinner (going to try this SmartRoni pasta that is like fake regular pasta but really made with whole grains or some crap) which will put me at or a little under 1000 for the day. It doesn’t seem like I ate at all, does it? I did. I have eaten more than my fair share of carrots today and some yogurt. You see, I’d prefer to have my big meal at dinner so it feels a little more like “normal”. Of course I can’t stay up too late – the only thing saving me from overeating sometimes is that I am asleep. 

Starting January 17^th (I’m taking January 16^th off to reward myself for finishing the half marathon….maybe me and food are like exes who still sleep together on occasion) I’ll be doing the 17 Day Diet. It sounds totally gimmicky, but after I told my doctor my life history (like I just did to you) and my desperate need for quick results this is what she recommended. I’ll be virtually carb-less from January 17^th until February 3^rd so you may want to avoid me during that time. I’ve ordered my book and I’ll let you know what I think once I start reading it. 

So we’ll see how it goes. It’s going to be a long road – I know that. The idea is to use the 17 day diet as a jumping off point to a healthier lifestyle. I really believe that once I lose it I can maintain pretty easily as long as I exercise regularly and don’t go back to bingeing. Hopefully I’m right. 

So now that I’ve aired all my dirty laundry you can keep me honest. Or go call your BFF and tell them how you can’t believe what a fat-ass Kristyn Traigle turned out to be.  I know some catty people who will certainly do the latter and that’s fine….just don’t let me catch you doing it. Especially while I’m dieting.