I finished the Half - but I'm still fat

Well guys, I did it! I finished my first (and likely last) half marathon! I’d be lying if I said it was easy. It was harder than childbirth. For that matter, it was harder than pregnancy. With twins.  In the summer. 

The race began at 7:00 am last Sunday in front of the state capital. It was cold. Scratch that – it was freezing! 35 degrees out and you’re in that place where you don’t want to be cold now, but when it warms up as it always does in South Louisiana you don’t want to be hot. Some people literally just threw their outer layers on the ground as they ran, but this fat chick has a very limited wardrobe and I’ll be damned if some homeless person is going to get my Under Armor knockoff pullover from JC Penney! I smartly did not wear my fleece lined running pants (boy was THAT a mistake when I ran the Goldenfliers 5 miler in November). 

In any event, I ended up meeting some super nice slow paced gals like me! We off and on ran together throughout the entire race. I vaguely remember their names as being Sarah and Jamie but who knows. Sadly, we did not finish together and I have no way of contacting them to see how they did. I hope they finished strong! 

The race went through downtown Baton Rouge, over the big overpass on North (twice!!), through the garden district area, down sorority row, around the lakes and through parts of the Lakeshore neighborhoods and back downtown for the finish. It was supposedly a scenic route that showcased all the beauty Louisiana has to offer – I wouldn’t know. Had I been driving the 13 miles I am sure I would have thought it lovely, but as it was I was in survival mode and not sightseeing mode. 

There were water stops every mile or so. Big props to the LSU Lacrosse Team (who knew LSU even had a Lacrosse team) for being so enthusiastic at mile 11. And high five to the group by city park (can’t for the life of me remember their name but it was some women’s athlete foundation) who made me cry with their “Pain is temporary, Pride is forever” poster. 

Around mile 9, I started to get blisters on the arch of my right foot and between my toes. This sounds pitiful, I know, but it hurts worse than you’d think. I was practically bleeding into my socks by the end and unfortunately had to walk more than I planned near the end. Once I hit the 13 mile marker I figured I’d give the last 0.1 miles (it’s soooo much farther than it sounds, really) all I had. I’m no runner, this much we all know. I have short legs and I am sort of round in shape, but that last stretch I felt like I was in the freaking Olympics. At that point it became much less about surviving and more about doing it for the people in my life who can’t. I went from being oblivious to all my surroundings to seeing every leaf on every tree and every crack on the pavement. And in that last stretch I thought about my friend Amanda who I miss so much every day. And I thought about my friend Brandy in Tennessee who is dealing with so much more than any of us could ever have the strength to handle with the grace that she does. These are women who are the same age as I am who have really had trials in their lives. And in those moments, all the times I felt sorry for myself were gone and every second when I thought I could never do something like this was over.

 

You always hear people ask “Why do you run?” and hear people answer with “Because I can.” I never got it before then. Sure, I can eat an entire pizza but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do it (or am I?). But it makes so much sense now. It really is so much more than a physical journey. It’s a spiritual one. At least it was for me. It didn’t start out that way – there was a lot of blood, sweat and tears – but somewhere near the end of the 13 miles it began to be a lot less about time and more about just finishing it. And I did. 

Remember how I mentioned before about running one lap around the gym and checking the scale to see if I lost any weight? Well even after running 13-mother-effing-miles I still hadn't lost any weight. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that my little mind thought, "Kristyn, it's ludicrous to think that running a lap will result in weight loss. Don't be silly. But maybe 13 miles...."   Wrong.

In food news (my most favorite kind!), the diet is….well it is. I’ll say this much:  the 17 Day Diet works. All diets work, really, provided that you stick with them. That’s the catch. I hate hearing “such and such diet doesn’t work”. If you’re saying that you probably quit it and that’s why it didn’t work. A better way to say it is “such and such diet was not a good fit for my lifestyle”. That is a more accurate statement. Weight Watchers isn’t something that fits my lifestyle – I’ve seen it work over and over again, but it just doesn’t integrate with the pace of my life now. Anyway, the 17 Day Diet promises fast results and it delivers. I started it on Tuesday last week and by Friday I had lost 7 pounds! At which point I promptly fell off the wagon and ordered pizza for dinner.

Even eating like crap (albeit in moderation) all weekend I maintained 6.6 of the 7 pounds I lost. The thing is it’s hard. Like real hard. Part of that is because I don’t eat a wide variety of foods. The staples of phase 1 of this program are chicken and fish. Guess what. I don’t eat fish. At all. So nothing but chicken and veggies for 17 days? I’ve modified it somewhat to be a cross between Atkins and 17DD and I’m still seeing losses though not as quickly. I’ve been cutting waaay back on the carbs but not cutting them out completely and I’m having lean beef sometimes instead of just the chicken. But it’s still a step – no a leap – in the right direction for me. We’ll have to see how bad I do when we go to Disneyworld in a few weeks…perhaps all the walking will counteract some of the eating??

I also started the program outlined in The New Rules of Lifting for Women yesterday. I finally stopped being sore from last weekend’s race and now I’m sore all over again. But it promises to tone and sculpt me so we shall see! I really missed going to the gym (no screaming kids there) so it was a nice reunion yesterday. Of course the workout regiment builds muscle, which - say it with me, everyone – weighs more than fat. (I swear I am going to punch the next person who says that to me.) I’m likely to see the scale stall if not go up at first but I’m trying not to let that deter me. It’s a catch 22 to get on the scale every morning. On one hand I want to see the loss so I can feel good about how well-behaved I was the day before. On the other hand, not seeing a loss or worse yet seeing a gain will throw me into “why am I working so hard for nothing I’m going to eat 1000 calories of cheese” mode. I’m thinking I need to stay off it for a while. After being so good yesterday I went up a pound this morning. Seriously?

                                                                                                                              

All my (size Large) dirty laundry...

Happy New Year! This year I’m going to do the New Year’s resolution thing – I usually don’t, or I say I am but don’t really change anything. This year it needs to happen…. for real. I need a way to be accountable, a way to stop making excuses, a way to make this happen. What better way than to air out all my (size Large) dirty laundry on the internet. 

I write because it’s therapeutic for me and honestly, I’m afraid my intelligence level will drop to that of my children if I don’t practice reading and writing since I’m no longer in career-mode. It’s hard for me to imagine that people actually read this garbage I’m writing, more so that it affects anyone in a real way. As of now, I don’t have a big following and most of you reading this found the link on Facebook and have known me for years (by the way, if you read regularly please click “follow” so I can keep track of how many people are even reading this). All the more reason to put this all down for everyone to see. 

There was (is?) a weight loss drug on the market called Alli that listed possible side effects including “anal leakage”. It’s my understanding that this would happen when you were taking the drug and consumed fatty foods. Well, I don’t know about you, but the fear of shitting myself is a pretty good motivator to stay on track. Many of us would be embarrassed for all our Facebook friends to know our real weight, dress size, etc. We all keep it private – hell, most women’s husbands don’t even know their weight – and carry it around like the little shameful secret it is. The point here, is that fear of embarrassment/exposure can be one hell of a motivator. So I’m going to expose myself (no need to shield your eyes – I don’t mean I am literally exposing myself) to the masses in the hopes it will keep me on track. I’m making myself accountable to all of you hoping that I will shed the extra pounds for once and for all. 

Those of you who have always known me know that I was a stick-figure growing up. I was skin and bones, ate whatever I wanted to, and never feared weight gain. Even in high school I would eat those nasty little pre-packaged microwave pizza things they sold in the mall with the gelatinous cheese and “pepperonis” made of God knows what. I was a size 2 or 4. No worries. I’ve always had hips and boobs, but always a tiny waist and no extra jiggle. The same was true through college. Even during the period when I was binge drinking 4 nights a week I was still a size 6 or 8. I wore string bikinis on spring break and complained that I was “fat”. I’d sell a kidney to be as fat now as I thought I was then. 

Prior to meeting my husband I switched to the Depo-Provera birth control injection and it was all downhill from there. I remained active and continued to eat the same things/portions I did before. Only my metabolism had come to a screeching halt and the pounds packed on. It happened gradually (as it always does) and I didn’t take note until I had packed on a good 30 pounds. Having been thin and never having to diet, I didn’t know where to start. I wish I had gotten things under control then – maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. 

We got engaged; I turned to diet pills to lose the weight for my wedding. It worked, but they were dangerous and I’m very fortunate I didn’t do irreversible damage in the process. I still look back and wish I had been my “normal” size for my wedding. I still feel like the dress I chose for the most important day of my life was chosen because it hid the most and was the most flattering on my new larger frame. I was down to a size 10 when I got married. I was probably back in a 12 before my 6-month anniversary.

Please know that I don’t blame the injections for the state I am in now. I got here all by myself – one donut at a time. I do feel like the weight gain would not have been so rapid and would have been easier to reverse without them. I also feel like I had a few more good years of effortless skinny in my early 20’s that I wasn’t able to enjoy!

 

Since then, I have had 6 pregnancies and given birth to 3 children. I can’t blame pregnancy for my situation any more than birth control injections. Oddly enough, my body likes being pregnant – I gain healthy amounts of weight and it all goes to the baby carrying area – I get thinner arms, legs, face, etc. I was also fortunate that I lost the “baby weight” quickly. Three weeks after having the twins I was 8 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight. If only I had grabbed hold of that momentum when it was there….instead I slowly ate my way back up. All the way up to the size I am now – 20 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant with the twins. 

Of course over the last few years there have been things that have thrown me off track – multiple miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy, appendectomy, gall bladder removal – but the bottom line is that I have a totally unhealthy relationship with food. Not just that I eat too much of it or the wrong things….oh no no, that would be too simple. I have a seriously screwed up psychological relationship with food. I’m like a battered wife who won’t leave the husband who beats her – that messed up. 

I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am stressed. I eat when I haven’t had enough sleep. I eat when I am celebrating. I eat to reward myself for doing something good. I eat the food on my plate, then the leftovers from my children’s plates. I eat appetizers, then a meal, then dessert. I never push away food because I am not hungry because I am ALWAYS hungry. Perhaps that’s a misnomer; I’m not always “hungry”, but I could always eat. Portion control does not exist in my world. I out-eat my husband most nights. It isn’t that the food I cook is necessarily that bad, but that I eat way too much of it. Don’t get me wrong, there are many ways I could cook and eat healthier but altogether if I ate normal amounts I could probably eat what I wanted. It doesn’t help that I am a picky eater and don’t like most fruits and veggies. I don’t eat fish either. I like meat. Red meat. And potatoes. And pasta. And butter. A lot of butter. 

I also expect instant results. I am the person who weighs themselves at the gym, runs one lap, then weighs again to see if it “worked”. I’m not stupid – I know that I gained it slow (supposedly, though it felt pretty instantaneous to me) and I will have to lose it slow. But that doesn’t stop the voice in my head that says “you’ve been starving yourself all day and it hasn’t gotten you anywhere…have a cookie.” I know you all must be thinking that I am incredibly self-aware for a fat girl. I know what my problem is. I know why it is. I know what I need to do to fix it. I just can’t manage to do what I need to do for long enough to make it work. I want a quick fix. I even asked the doctor (the one who told me I need to lose weight…skinny bitch) what the threshold weight for bariatric surgery is because I figure it would be easier to gain enough weight to qualify than to lose the weight I need to lose the old-fashioned way.

 

It’s embarrassing to be putting all this out there. I’m not going to tell my actual weight, but I will say that I need to lose somewhere between 40 and 60 pounds. Losing 60 would be great, but I know myself too well. I know that if I lost 60, I’d consider myself to have a 20 pound cushion and end up back in the old habit of overeating. If I lose 40 (44 to be exact) I will be where I need to be and just have to work to maintain it. 

So I’ve told you where I’ve been and I’ve told you where I’m going (rather, where I need to go).

Now here’s the plan – 

Exercise:

I’m signed up to run (and by “run”, I mean jog very very slowly, barely above a walking pace) a half-marathon on January 15^th. That’s in ten days (!!). I trained really well up until the beginning of December, then I sort of fell off the wagon between illnesses, holidays and the like. After the Reindeer Run December 3^rd I didn’t run at all until December 30^th. My tendinitis is causing me a great deal of pain so at this point the plan is to do some light cardio (elliptical) when I can between now and then, but for the most part to take it easy in the hopes that my tendons heal enough for me to wreck them again on the 15^th. The goal is to finish the race. I am well aware that even that may not happen. I read a blog today about a girl who at her largest (263 lbs) walked a half-marathon so I figure worst case scenario I can walk the dang thing and check it off my bucket list. I will still be putting my pretty little 13.1 sticker on my car and all you naysayers who think I don’t deserve it because I didn’t run the whole thing can go to hell. It’s still a major accomplishment, even if it isn’t the one I originally hoped for. There’s another one in March that I’m considering signing up for, but the fee is quite high so I’m not too sure yet. In any event, I’d like to keep my running up to the point that I can run 5K’s when they come up and the mood strikes. 

After the 15^th I will be back in the gym full time. I haven’t decided yet how I am going to manage it since my kids act like they are being murdered when I leave them in the nursery there and all those hard-core moms go to the gym and leave their kids in the nursery despite them having the bubonic plague (which my kids then catch). One way or another, I plan to exercise (cardio and weight training) at least 3-4 times a week. I really do enjoy working out; I just need to make the time again to do it. If I was as faithful to exercise as I am to, say, watching trashy crap on television I’d be on a runway somewhere. 

Food:

Ah, food. I love you, but this must end. No, we can’t still be friends. I need a clean break. I’ll still be jealous when I see you with other girls, but I know it will be for the best. She may be younger and thinner, but give her a few years and she’ll be chubby and ornery just like me.

Again, between now and the half I can’t do anything to drastic lest I pass out at mile 6 and have to be hospitalized. That doesn’t mean I am sticking with my bingeing ways. I’ve been watching my calorie intake – not counting per se, just being ultra conscious. I can proudly say that today so far I have only consumed 330 calories. I’ll be having grilled chicken and pasta for dinner (going to try this SmartRoni pasta that is like fake regular pasta but really made with whole grains or some crap) which will put me at or a little under 1000 for the day. It doesn’t seem like I ate at all, does it? I did. I have eaten more than my fair share of carrots today and some yogurt. You see, I’d prefer to have my big meal at dinner so it feels a little more like “normal”. Of course I can’t stay up too late – the only thing saving me from overeating sometimes is that I am asleep. 

Starting January 17^th (I’m taking January 16^th off to reward myself for finishing the half marathon….maybe me and food are like exes who still sleep together on occasion) I’ll be doing the 17 Day Diet. It sounds totally gimmicky, but after I told my doctor my life history (like I just did to you) and my desperate need for quick results this is what she recommended. I’ll be virtually carb-less from January 17^th until February 3^rd so you may want to avoid me during that time. I’ve ordered my book and I’ll let you know what I think once I start reading it. 

So we’ll see how it goes. It’s going to be a long road – I know that. The idea is to use the 17 day diet as a jumping off point to a healthier lifestyle. I really believe that once I lose it I can maintain pretty easily as long as I exercise regularly and don’t go back to bingeing. Hopefully I’m right. 

So now that I’ve aired all my dirty laundry you can keep me honest. Or go call your BFF and tell them how you can’t believe what a fat-ass Kristyn Traigle turned out to be.  I know some catty people who will certainly do the latter and that’s fine….just don’t let me catch you doing it. Especially while I’m dieting.